Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind (Hands Free Flush Toilets)

            Occasionally I like to visit military establishments, messes and clubs to boost my false ego that once I belonged to the elite class. There is not much that I do there as no one invites me to official high tea or mess functions. It is just that a couple of them happen to be located on my daily commute route and after a long wait at Hazratganj crossing due to perennial jams, my bladder refuses to hold the accumulated liquid and I have this urgent and unavoidable compulsion to empty it ASAP. During one such emergency visits recently, I noticed (with much pride and satisfaction) that the toilets are now equipped with hands free automatic flush system. No need to press any lever or turn the old fashioned knob in the anti-clock direction.

            With a great sense of elation, I approached the sparkling china receptacle, opened my zipper and let go. While I was deep in the process of letting go, I noticed a red LED light having locked on to my eye balls. An involuntary shift of my position made it blink and, in addition to blinking, it began emitting and repeating a short beep. Before I could realize as to what was happening, the auto flush triggered itself and discharged it American Standard one gallon water into the receptacle. Two tiny jets from the discharge system were aimed directly at the area adjacent to my zipper and before I could say “Robinson Crusoe” that area was wet in a most ridiculous manner. I had no option but to stop my ‘letting go’ mid stream, close the wet zipper and retreat backwards till I reached the safety of my car. It is a different matter altogether that on reaching home I was greeted by the ubiquitous taunt from Keerti as to when will I learn to ‘let go’ without wetting my self.